19th July, 2010

Have you ever missed yourself? If its difficult for you to comprehend, then let me try to clarify it. Do you feel that at this very moment of your life, you are a different person than who you were at any other juncture? I know that most of you don’t ever spend the time to search your souls. Well I don’t care. I am here to speak about myself! Not you guys. Over the years, I have experienced a lot of things. I have changed from being a child, to being “childish”, from being immature to “behaving” immature to shedding immaturity, embracing maturity, forgetting maturity, loving maturity, hating it. I have loved, been loved, fallen in love, fallen out of love, found love, lost love, made love. I have won, lost, won and lost, won yet lost. And through all of this, I have gone from being one person to another. Passed through thousands of transient phases, each often indistinguishable from the other. Its like a rainbow. You can see the red and the yellow. But you can never tell where the red turned into the yellow! And all of these persons… I have different feelings about all of them. I miss some of them while I hate to think of some. Some scare me and others annoy me. Some make me feel jealous while others thankful.

I ran into one of them recently. I loved him! He is this amazingly wild person with an unending stock of energy. He never seems to get tired. And nothing seems beyond him. He is unperturbed by all the obstacles ahead of him. He doesn’t give a damn what anyone is going to conclude from what he says or does. He does something only because he wants to do it! And all this fuelled by a stalwart conscience and a deep and unmovable embrace with honesty. And this guy is wild! He cracks the funniest of jokes! And he is the meanest and most sarcastic little devil you can come across! And yet you can’t hate him! He has this innocent vibe about him! And he is a dreamer. Dreams the freakiest dreams. And does the freakiest stuff to make those dreams come true! And the best part about him? He doesn’t stop!

You know what? I like him so much, I think I am going to ask him to stay for a while…

To all the Phonies out there...

Man do I hate phonies! I hate all kinds of them…dumb phonies, clever ones, shrewd rascals, sorry ones, lousy ones. You name it, and I hate them all. Only because all of them are phonies. Now, just because somebody isn’t a phony doesn’t mean that he never lies or anything. Sometimes you need to lie. Its necessary sometimes (maybe to get away from a phonie). All I wanna say is that a phony isn’t a phony just because he lies. A phony is a phony because he or she tries to portray himself (mostly herself though) as somebody who he/she isn’t! THAT’S PHONY! I guess re reading The Catcher in the Rye has made my hormonal levels shoot up. And its all because of the stupid phonies. Phonies who make up stories and speak them like they are the truth. The funniest part is that he knows that somebody else knows that he is lying. He still has the audacity to make up that lousy story and publish it! He believes it makes him look cool. Just like the tones of cash he spends in front of female associates and seems to lose track of all his dough when his “not so cool” male friends want to go out! Or how about that particular phony? He/she thinks that by acting stupid in class and pretending to be so darn interested in all the studies is gonna make everybody turn towards her! Just because I wear trendy dresses that I buy out of my filthy rich dad’s hard earned dough, I think I can do what I want! Great man! Love your philosophy. I award you the Nobel Prize for having the biggest lack in life! Everybody can hear the professor. Why the hell can’t you? WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO ASK THE TEACHER TO REPEAT HERSELF?????????????? Don’t you bloody get tired of it??? And yes I know the senseless and brainless bastards in your immature and desperate little group think you are the best thing in the world. But trust me, you are the sorriest of losers to walk on God’s green earth! You know another funny thing? I have been coming across all these phonies all my life! They are all the same. Trust me! This post is written in general. Not targeted at anybody in particular. But strangely, all the phonies of the world will unite in one regard. They will all feel that this post is directed towards each and every one of them! See, that is HOW guilty you are you losers. Don’t feel too bad though. I think you should enjoy this little era of pretentious joy that fortune has so charitably set aside for you. So cheers to your good times of falsehood and lies and good luck to you when a few years later you shall be at each others’ throats, each blaming the other for ruining his/her life!

Till next time…To get something you never had before, you need to do something you never did before.

He was trembling. And he couldn’t stop crying. It was beyond his imagination. A world without her was no world at all. Yet he had just seen her die a few hours ago. Right before his eyes. Her stuttering breathe had gradually ceased. He blamed himself. He should have been there. He had always been there. It wasn’t right. It was all his fault. That’s all he kept telling himself.

There was a knock on the door. Even in answering it he hoped that it would be her. How childish! He chided himself. It was just the lawyer. She had left a letter for him. It was sealed. And his name was carefully written on it. It somehow smelt of her. It smelt of cherished memories and a wild adrenaline that always sent his heart on a frenzied whirl. For minutes he just stood there silently, lost in the trance of the heavenly fragrance. He travelled many years back and through many emotions. And he felt each of them like it was yesterday. It was love that he felt. Love that he had felt since the day he had helped her up when she was crying after falling off from her bicycle.Painful, suppressed, untold love. Love that he had hidden so deep in his heart that sometimes he forgot himself. He could never tell her he loved her. He loved her too much. If she didn’t love him back, they could not be together. He couldn’t bear that. He loved her too much. So what if she was with another man? She was happy. And he loved her so much, that her happiness was all that mattered to him. His entire life he had spent with this heart ripping secret. It was enough for him that he was her best friend. Everyone said, “They are best friends”.

Finally he opened the envelope. It was her handwriting.

Dear him,

I know you must be in tears now. At least I hope you are. I would not mind if you weren’t because you have already shed so many tears for me. First of all, thank you. Thank you for making my life the best ever!

I don’t know where to start and where to end. I really don’t know whether I should be writing this letter at all. But somehow, I feel that you deserve to know the truth. I don’t think its going to matter to you. But it mattered to me all my life. And I need to say it now.

You have always been there for me. From that first time when I fell off my bicycle. I was crying. You held my hand. And you gave me your ice cream. When I struggled with my examinations every year, you told me all the answers. I fell in love. You stayed up with me all night to celebrate. I broke my heart. You shouldered my drooping head. I fell in love again. You stayed up all night again. When I cried, you wiped my tears away. I got drunk. You carried me home. I went broke. You gave me a home. I graduated. You came across the country to take a photo. I got engaged. You bought me a ring. I got married. You were there by my side. I fought with my husband. You apologized. I was in labour. You took me to the hospital. I became a mother. You were more overjoyed than me!

Its been 52 years now that I have known you. And throughout those 52 years, I have asked you a million things a million times. And you have always had answers. Answers that have enlightened me. And you have never hesitated when I have asked for your help. But there is just one thing I never told you. I love you. I loved you from the day you held out your hand to me when I fell off my cycle. Ever since that day, I have loved you with all my heart.

I know you must be mad at me. I am mad at me. But please understand. I never told you because I wasn’t sure whether you would love me back. if you didn’t, I would never see you again. I didn’t want that. I have lived my life with this painful secret. I am so selfish and such a coward that I could never tell you. Now that I am no more, and I don’t have to hear a “no” from you, I have finally found the courage to own up to you. I know you might not love me. And I don’t want you to feel bad when you read this letter. It isn’t your fault. It was I who kept silent. Its my fault. Although the pretence was painful, I have enjoyed every moment that I have been able to share with you. That is my only consolation.

I want to say it again. Say it a million times over like I have said all my life. “ I love you.”

Your best friend(sadly),
her..

Joy

What is this vapid existence?

I was meant to fly, wasn't I?

Juggle bright red balls under an Autumn sky,

Chase tiny dots scurrying in my eye.

I was to have a fluorescent shadow,

Prancing about in my orange light.

The golden beams' soothing balm,

Wheres it now to purge my lethargic mind?

Hey Joy! I know I left you behind

When I childishly embraced Satisfaction.

I yearn for those little drops of joy,

But satisfaction won't let go!

These fetters of satisfaction!

And this painless bondage with fear,

I must shed it in darkness,

Search for sweet innocence within...

With innocence there is no fear,

And courage ignites hope.

Ambition burns pure with honesty's oil,

And in this very light, I shall find Joy.

Chax

It was 1:43 am. He had said that he would be there. We just couldn’t go to sleep when he had said he was going to come. After all, it was Chax, that we were talking about. Chax was our hero. Correction: Chax IS our hero. Besides, his phone had been busy about half an hour ago. He was having a fight with his girl I figured. Chax and his girl. Long relationship. We even tried to test it! Only he doesn’t know it yet! He wouldn’t mind. It was harmless. Well we had to stay up. We had already been up the previous night. I guess we were getting used to it. We decided to play cards. 29. Fortunately four of us were awake. It was funny, that we knew when Chax came over, we were going to play cards anyways. Maybe through the entire night. Well that’s 29 for you. Addictive. Then there was a phone call. Chax. “Open up the gate, am coming in”.

Somehow we managed to wake up the night guard. He was too shocked to be pissed at us. He simply opened the gate so that we would just leave him alone. And Chax came. On that snazzy two wheeler of his. Yeah, we loathed it!

29 29 29 29. 3 hours of 29! And then we could not take it anymore. Chax played well. Yeah he did. But Lokman and I had too many tricks up our sleeve. After all, in cards, he who cheats best prevails.

And then we lay down in the dark. And we listened to songs. Songs on our cells. Lovely songs. And we talked. Talked about life, love, money. Talked about the songs. Talked about making it big. Yeah we talked our hearts out. No age difference stood between us. And that’s why we love Chax. We saw the first light of day together. Just like we had with the others last day. And then he had to go. Personally I think he just felt early morning pressure in his bowels.

And when he turned up at the plant that afternoon, he was as smooth as always. Chax.

Misfit

I will rather love than be loved,

And I love to hold back my words,

Like the trump in a game of cards.

I love to be named the dark horse,

Its dull to reign supreme.

I ride my cycle over the dust,

I don’t like to glide over the highway.

I let myself be arrogant,

So that those phonies look away,

My heart isn’t as hard as it seems,

Its rather so smooth that you can’t scratch me.

You are never going to understand me,

I am the misfit of society.

Backtracking

This is a blog post from somebody else's blog. I copied and pasted it because I am sure that the person wont mind. The reason for doing so is that I felt that it was so filled with emotion and so touching!

“Listen, I have to tell you something.”
And then…Silence.
Silence screeches out a thousand words sometimes…if only you open up your heart and truly listen…
The silence said it all…I knew everything before it was said. I heard the tears quietly fall down burning cheeks, gently stop on a trembling lip and then make their way in to oblivion. I heard gasps that were trying so hard to not make themselves heard. I heard the blinking of solitary eyes trying in vain to see through the envelope of hurt.
I heard…that this was the end.
The end of the best thing that had ever happened to two people…the end of a friendship that was supposed to last forever.
“You say best, when you say nothing at all.”
And then we spoke… “For the last time.” Two people, who spoke every single day more than thrice, two people who talked through the night in hushed whispers watching the wake of dawn together, two people who shared every fleeting thought with each other, two people who talked about life, about love, about other people, about deserts, about the sky, about colours, about truth, about insecurities, about glories, about the future, about their friendship…those two people, spoke for the last time. And they were at a loss of words.

Dearest friend,
I hope you heard what I didn’t say. You are the bestest friend one could have and you will always have my love with all my heart. Thank you for everything.
Your best friend…

And that was it. We finally got out the word we feared so much…
We said bye…one last time…and then there was a click.Good bye dearest friend. Take good care.

Back.

Wow! Its been really long. But I felt the need to get back. There is a lot of shit inside me. I need to get all that out. Its not what I would say pent up feelings. Its like thoughts and incidents stuck up in the pipeline of my mind that prevents free flow. I need to purge that all out. Wash it with a lot of water…let things out. I need a clear passage. My mind is choked.

As for life, hell I am getting old too fast too soon! Things are changing SO fast. Opportunities, friends, lost friends, regenerated relationships, dead end ones, achievements, failures, targets…you name it, its all there!

I am not sad. Don’t get me wrong. But not being sad doesn’t necessarily imply being happy. Its not like before when at any point I could say, “Yes, am happy!”. Its different now. I guess I am growing up. And that just means I stop being happy all the time. When I was young, it was like a I was riding a smooth curve of happiness with a few erratic points of grief here and there. Now it just seems the other way round.

Just got back from Haldia after an eventful industrial training. Summer holidays are still on. About a month more to laze away. Trying to get back to reading.

Hope to post something up soon. Maybe even today.