He was trembling. And he couldn’t stop crying. It was beyond his imagination. A world without her was no world at all. Yet he had just seen her die a few hours ago. Right before his eyes. Her stuttering breathe had gradually ceased. He blamed himself. He should have been there. He had always been there. It wasn’t right. It was all his fault. That’s all he kept telling himself.

There was a knock on the door. Even in answering it he hoped that it would be her. How childish! He chided himself. It was just the lawyer. She had left a letter for him. It was sealed. And his name was carefully written on it. It somehow smelt of her. It smelt of cherished memories and a wild adrenaline that always sent his heart on a frenzied whirl. For minutes he just stood there silently, lost in the trance of the heavenly fragrance. He travelled many years back and through many emotions. And he felt each of them like it was yesterday. It was love that he felt. Love that he had felt since the day he had helped her up when she was crying after falling off from her bicycle.Painful, suppressed, untold love. Love that he had hidden so deep in his heart that sometimes he forgot himself. He could never tell her he loved her. He loved her too much. If she didn’t love him back, they could not be together. He couldn’t bear that. He loved her too much. So what if she was with another man? She was happy. And he loved her so much, that her happiness was all that mattered to him. His entire life he had spent with this heart ripping secret. It was enough for him that he was her best friend. Everyone said, “They are best friends”.

Finally he opened the envelope. It was her handwriting.

Dear him,

I know you must be in tears now. At least I hope you are. I would not mind if you weren’t because you have already shed so many tears for me. First of all, thank you. Thank you for making my life the best ever!

I don’t know where to start and where to end. I really don’t know whether I should be writing this letter at all. But somehow, I feel that you deserve to know the truth. I don’t think its going to matter to you. But it mattered to me all my life. And I need to say it now.

You have always been there for me. From that first time when I fell off my bicycle. I was crying. You held my hand. And you gave me your ice cream. When I struggled with my examinations every year, you told me all the answers. I fell in love. You stayed up with me all night to celebrate. I broke my heart. You shouldered my drooping head. I fell in love again. You stayed up all night again. When I cried, you wiped my tears away. I got drunk. You carried me home. I went broke. You gave me a home. I graduated. You came across the country to take a photo. I got engaged. You bought me a ring. I got married. You were there by my side. I fought with my husband. You apologized. I was in labour. You took me to the hospital. I became a mother. You were more overjoyed than me!

Its been 52 years now that I have known you. And throughout those 52 years, I have asked you a million things a million times. And you have always had answers. Answers that have enlightened me. And you have never hesitated when I have asked for your help. But there is just one thing I never told you. I love you. I loved you from the day you held out your hand to me when I fell off my cycle. Ever since that day, I have loved you with all my heart.

I know you must be mad at me. I am mad at me. But please understand. I never told you because I wasn’t sure whether you would love me back. if you didn’t, I would never see you again. I didn’t want that. I have lived my life with this painful secret. I am so selfish and such a coward that I could never tell you. Now that I am no more, and I don’t have to hear a “no” from you, I have finally found the courage to own up to you. I know you might not love me. And I don’t want you to feel bad when you read this letter. It isn’t your fault. It was I who kept silent. Its my fault. Although the pretence was painful, I have enjoyed every moment that I have been able to share with you. That is my only consolation.

I want to say it again. Say it a million times over like I have said all my life. “ I love you.”

Your best friend(sadly),
her..

Joy

What is this vapid existence?

I was meant to fly, wasn't I?

Juggle bright red balls under an Autumn sky,

Chase tiny dots scurrying in my eye.

I was to have a fluorescent shadow,

Prancing about in my orange light.

The golden beams' soothing balm,

Wheres it now to purge my lethargic mind?

Hey Joy! I know I left you behind

When I childishly embraced Satisfaction.

I yearn for those little drops of joy,

But satisfaction won't let go!

These fetters of satisfaction!

And this painless bondage with fear,

I must shed it in darkness,

Search for sweet innocence within...

With innocence there is no fear,

And courage ignites hope.

Ambition burns pure with honesty's oil,

And in this very light, I shall find Joy.

Chax

It was 1:43 am. He had said that he would be there. We just couldn’t go to sleep when he had said he was going to come. After all, it was Chax, that we were talking about. Chax was our hero. Correction: Chax IS our hero. Besides, his phone had been busy about half an hour ago. He was having a fight with his girl I figured. Chax and his girl. Long relationship. We even tried to test it! Only he doesn’t know it yet! He wouldn’t mind. It was harmless. Well we had to stay up. We had already been up the previous night. I guess we were getting used to it. We decided to play cards. 29. Fortunately four of us were awake. It was funny, that we knew when Chax came over, we were going to play cards anyways. Maybe through the entire night. Well that’s 29 for you. Addictive. Then there was a phone call. Chax. “Open up the gate, am coming in”.

Somehow we managed to wake up the night guard. He was too shocked to be pissed at us. He simply opened the gate so that we would just leave him alone. And Chax came. On that snazzy two wheeler of his. Yeah, we loathed it!

29 29 29 29. 3 hours of 29! And then we could not take it anymore. Chax played well. Yeah he did. But Lokman and I had too many tricks up our sleeve. After all, in cards, he who cheats best prevails.

And then we lay down in the dark. And we listened to songs. Songs on our cells. Lovely songs. And we talked. Talked about life, love, money. Talked about the songs. Talked about making it big. Yeah we talked our hearts out. No age difference stood between us. And that’s why we love Chax. We saw the first light of day together. Just like we had with the others last day. And then he had to go. Personally I think he just felt early morning pressure in his bowels.

And when he turned up at the plant that afternoon, he was as smooth as always. Chax.

Misfit

I will rather love than be loved,

And I love to hold back my words,

Like the trump in a game of cards.

I love to be named the dark horse,

Its dull to reign supreme.

I ride my cycle over the dust,

I don’t like to glide over the highway.

I let myself be arrogant,

So that those phonies look away,

My heart isn’t as hard as it seems,

Its rather so smooth that you can’t scratch me.

You are never going to understand me,

I am the misfit of society.

Backtracking

This is a blog post from somebody else's blog. I copied and pasted it because I am sure that the person wont mind. The reason for doing so is that I felt that it was so filled with emotion and so touching!

“Listen, I have to tell you something.”
And then…Silence.
Silence screeches out a thousand words sometimes…if only you open up your heart and truly listen…
The silence said it all…I knew everything before it was said. I heard the tears quietly fall down burning cheeks, gently stop on a trembling lip and then make their way in to oblivion. I heard gasps that were trying so hard to not make themselves heard. I heard the blinking of solitary eyes trying in vain to see through the envelope of hurt.
I heard…that this was the end.
The end of the best thing that had ever happened to two people…the end of a friendship that was supposed to last forever.
“You say best, when you say nothing at all.”
And then we spoke… “For the last time.” Two people, who spoke every single day more than thrice, two people who talked through the night in hushed whispers watching the wake of dawn together, two people who shared every fleeting thought with each other, two people who talked about life, about love, about other people, about deserts, about the sky, about colours, about truth, about insecurities, about glories, about the future, about their friendship…those two people, spoke for the last time. And they were at a loss of words.

Dearest friend,
I hope you heard what I didn’t say. You are the bestest friend one could have and you will always have my love with all my heart. Thank you for everything.
Your best friend…

And that was it. We finally got out the word we feared so much…
We said bye…one last time…and then there was a click.Good bye dearest friend. Take good care.

Back.

Wow! Its been really long. But I felt the need to get back. There is a lot of shit inside me. I need to get all that out. Its not what I would say pent up feelings. Its like thoughts and incidents stuck up in the pipeline of my mind that prevents free flow. I need to purge that all out. Wash it with a lot of water…let things out. I need a clear passage. My mind is choked.

As for life, hell I am getting old too fast too soon! Things are changing SO fast. Opportunities, friends, lost friends, regenerated relationships, dead end ones, achievements, failures, targets…you name it, its all there!

I am not sad. Don’t get me wrong. But not being sad doesn’t necessarily imply being happy. Its not like before when at any point I could say, “Yes, am happy!”. Its different now. I guess I am growing up. And that just means I stop being happy all the time. When I was young, it was like a I was riding a smooth curve of happiness with a few erratic points of grief here and there. Now it just seems the other way round.

Just got back from Haldia after an eventful industrial training. Summer holidays are still on. About a month more to laze away. Trying to get back to reading.

Hope to post something up soon. Maybe even today.