He was trembling. And he couldn’t stop crying. It was beyond his imagination. A world without her was no world at all. Yet he had just seen her die a few hours ago. Right before his eyes. Her stuttering breathe had gradually ceased. He blamed himself. He should have been there. He had always been there. It wasn’t right. It was all his fault. That’s all he kept telling himself.

There was a knock on the door. Even in answering it he hoped that it would be her. How childish! He chided himself. It was just the lawyer. She had left a letter for him. It was sealed. And his name was carefully written on it. It somehow smelt of her. It smelt of cherished memories and a wild adrenaline that always sent his heart on a frenzied whirl. For minutes he just stood there silently, lost in the trance of the heavenly fragrance. He travelled many years back and through many emotions. And he felt each of them like it was yesterday. It was love that he felt. Love that he had felt since the day he had helped her up when she was crying after falling off from her bicycle.Painful, suppressed, untold love. Love that he had hidden so deep in his heart that sometimes he forgot himself. He could never tell her he loved her. He loved her too much. If she didn’t love him back, they could not be together. He couldn’t bear that. He loved her too much. So what if she was with another man? She was happy. And he loved her so much, that her happiness was all that mattered to him. His entire life he had spent with this heart ripping secret. It was enough for him that he was her best friend. Everyone said, “They are best friends”.

Finally he opened the envelope. It was her handwriting.

Dear him,

I know you must be in tears now. At least I hope you are. I would not mind if you weren’t because you have already shed so many tears for me. First of all, thank you. Thank you for making my life the best ever!

I don’t know where to start and where to end. I really don’t know whether I should be writing this letter at all. But somehow, I feel that you deserve to know the truth. I don’t think its going to matter to you. But it mattered to me all my life. And I need to say it now.

You have always been there for me. From that first time when I fell off my bicycle. I was crying. You held my hand. And you gave me your ice cream. When I struggled with my examinations every year, you told me all the answers. I fell in love. You stayed up with me all night to celebrate. I broke my heart. You shouldered my drooping head. I fell in love again. You stayed up all night again. When I cried, you wiped my tears away. I got drunk. You carried me home. I went broke. You gave me a home. I graduated. You came across the country to take a photo. I got engaged. You bought me a ring. I got married. You were there by my side. I fought with my husband. You apologized. I was in labour. You took me to the hospital. I became a mother. You were more overjoyed than me!

Its been 52 years now that I have known you. And throughout those 52 years, I have asked you a million things a million times. And you have always had answers. Answers that have enlightened me. And you have never hesitated when I have asked for your help. But there is just one thing I never told you. I love you. I loved you from the day you held out your hand to me when I fell off my cycle. Ever since that day, I have loved you with all my heart.

I know you must be mad at me. I am mad at me. But please understand. I never told you because I wasn’t sure whether you would love me back. if you didn’t, I would never see you again. I didn’t want that. I have lived my life with this painful secret. I am so selfish and such a coward that I could never tell you. Now that I am no more, and I don’t have to hear a “no” from you, I have finally found the courage to own up to you. I know you might not love me. And I don’t want you to feel bad when you read this letter. It isn’t your fault. It was I who kept silent. Its my fault. Although the pretence was painful, I have enjoyed every moment that I have been able to share with you. That is my only consolation.

I want to say it again. Say it a million times over like I have said all my life. “ I love you.”

Your best friend(sadly),
her..